Bristol's Pengest Munch
Posted on: 26 Jan 2017The question as to whose late-night food best sustains Bristol's revellers has raged since Miss Millie's opened her doors in the city over 30 years ago. We attempt to answer that question in the style of the Chicken Conoisseur.
The irresistible rise of the Chicken Connoisseur has been observed by anyone with a penchant for wings or an internet connection, with his frank reviews of London’s fried poultry emporiums garnering attention from all corners. Very little evades the exacting eye of the fastidiously-taste-budded Elijah Quashie, whose gassed words and sizzling putdowns have injected the heat back into culinary criticism.
But why should the capital have all the fun? Here we borrow the Conoisseur’s lexicon and criteria, using them to adjudicate the battle of Bristol’s bossmans and thus comprehensively crown the purveyors of the city’s pengest munch. All marks are out of 5.
Taka Taka - Triangle
In my eyes the undisputed king of the Triangle, testament to Taka Taka’s quality is its ability to operate as a reputable establishment in the day, before an evening in Mbargo or Bunker has dulled the senses beyond all function. Their chicken gyros, an amalgam of chicken, ciabatta and chips, is a thing of consummate beauty, matched only in Bristol by a blue sky carving through the Avon Gorge or an on-time Wessex Red - good value as well at £3.75, it gets a 4.9. The restaurant itself is cleanly and spacious, with plenty of tables for the squad when they roll through. There's even a toilet. One slight detractor is the ticketed ordering system, which can leave the counter area rammed and, worse, you in the immediate vicinity of someone who has just been to Lizard Lounge. Still, it is the choice of the discerning late-night eater. Mad ting.
It gets a 4.7.
Jason Donervan - Triangle
.jpg "Jason Donervan")
Sadly a punny name doth not a good munch make. Though the eponymous bossman is friendly, his warmth does not extend to his produce: the kebabs are only slightly above average (3.2), chips are over-fried, and therefore too firm for the seasoning to absorb properly (2.1), the chicken burgers are completely dead (1.5). And they are all exorbitantly priced. Add to this an inevitable jostle with the post-Pam Pams mob and a trip to this establishment is a long way short of enjoyable.
It gets a 1.9.
Diamond Kebab - Park Street
Diamond Kebab should probably be called ‘Rough Diamond’, as its not much to look at, is it? However what it lacks in aesthetic it makes up for in taste, with bossman executing all of the rudimentary tasks very accurately. His burger composition is on point (3.8), the chicken, well-breaded and seasoned, falls off the bone pleasantly (3.9) and his kebabs are up there with the best in Bristol (4.1). It is something of an undiscovered gem; nestled halfway up Park Street, with much of its custom and notoriety hogged by the Triangle eats at its top or the kebab corner ones at the bottom (which don’t get a mention in this list as they are all dead), it is often left out of the conversation. No more.
It gets a 4.0.
Grecian - The Arches
Bossman at Grecian is on to something good and he knows it. With unrivalled value - a banging 12” (4.0) and chips (3.5) or garlic bread (3.2) will only set you back a fiver - he operates something of a pizza monopoly up by The Arches on Gloucester Road/Cheltenham Road. With this lack of competition, though, comes complacency: cross this threshold and you run the risk of brusque customer service from staff who are always on the brink of rudeness. I’d brave much worse for a quality slice however, and spinning dough must be a stressful gig, so I’ll give bossman the benefit.
It gets a 3.9.
Slix - Stokes Croft
.jpg "Slix")
The value at Slix is very good. With a huge portion of fries (wonderfully textured and of a reasonably-uniform length - 3.9), only putting you out to the tune of £1.50, it’s as cheap as, well, chips. It's a bit too good, and the price is paid elsewhere. The batter with which they coat their chicken is oilier and greasier even than its name suggests, though it does pack in an unholy punch of spice. Seriously, the faint of tongue shouldn’t even look at one of their wings or they’ll be breathing fire for days. So, pros and cons, and an English pound gets you four of them: 3.0. The decor is pretty grimy when you really look at it, but that hasn’t stopped it burrowing into the fabric of the city over the years as a Bristol institution - truth, have you ever heard anyone talking about Lick’n Chicken? I’ll wait. In essence, Slix is the creepy, crusty uncle who exists only at family parties, and is begrudgingly tolerated on account of his funny stories about the ‘70s.
It gets a 3.4.
M&M Kebab Shop - Whiteladies Road
M&M is located exactly halfway between the Triangle and the Redland homes of the students who frequent it, putting the kebab shop in prime position for the 3am muncher, with no feasible alternative for miles around. This means it is always full of second years, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing - as long as you don’t mind hearing a slurred expounding of Nietzsche’s theory of individualism spat out with small flecks of questionable burger sauce. The two-table floorplan leaves much to be desired, however, as does their culinary output. Their chips are okay, if a bit dry (3.1), but the chicken is dead with absolutely no heat whatsoever, so can’t score more than a 1.9.
It gets a 2.4.
Miss Millie’s - Whiteladies Road, Gloucester Road, Bedminster, Brislington, Knowle, Redfield and Staple Hill
The first Miss Millie’s (supposedly named after Mildred Sanders, daughter of the Colonel) opened its doors nearly 30 years ago in 1988, and it has since steadily accrued a place in Bristol chicken folklore as a result of high-profile endorsement from famous Bristolians; Julio Bashmore, for instance, once asked the organisers of Love Saves The Day if his wages could be paid in a lifetime supply of chicken from the chain. Sadly, Millie’s never quite justifies such high praise, with her chicken only just taking it above average, at a 3.0. This number takes into account the hefty price tag: though a three-piece meal would amount to a bang-average £4.65, any additional extras would take you north of a sixer. Not on. For more info on where to find Miss Millie's in Bristol and beyond visit www.missmillies.co.uk.
It gets a 3.2.
Think you could do better than the above? The best video review that we receive will win a burger, wings and fries on us at any of Bristol's late-night eateries. Email your efforts to info@365bristol.com. Get munching!
Article by:
An ardent Geordie minus the accent, Sam seemingly strove to get as far away from the Toon as possible, as soon as university beckoned. Three undergraduate years at UoB were more than ample time for Bristol (as it inevitably does) to get under his skin, and so here he remains: reporting, as Assistant Editor, on the cultural happenings which so infatuated him with the city. Catch him at sam@365bristol.com.
